hey!
My blog has been rather silent for a while on my part - I have been busy with work stuff. But i will not discuss those issues here (it would take faaar too much space, but if you want to know what went on - call me ;). I am absolutely overjoyed for the comments - thanks guys - its good to know these thoughts make sense to at least some people :)
I also wanted to add - the reason I am writing in English is mostly for my Aussies to be able to understand what I am writing about.
Although... I have to admit - I kinda like it too...the whole English thing makes my thoughts run in every direction!
Now... to the topic of the day.
TOHU VA VOHU
I was reading a brilliant book called "Sex God" by Rob Bell a while ago. And I have to say it is one of the best books I have ever read!
The author talks about sex and sexuality in a completely different light from what I have thought so far. The main point of the book is to explore connections between sexuality and spirituality, but again, because of the limited time I have to write this post, I will discuss these issues another time.
From one point he talks about God creating the world. It says in the first chapter of Genesis -
1In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
2And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
The bit where it says "the earth was without form, and void", in Hebrew, they use the word Tohu va Vohu.
Tohu-Va-Vohu is a Hebrew nonsense phrase, which has been translated, "wild and waste".
Out of the formlessness, the chaos, the "wild and waste". God created life, light, darkness, plants, animals, and the so-called crown of creation - mankind.
Rob Bells argues an interesting point - creation did not end after the seven days, but in fact, it still goes on today. In us and through us.
I was wondering about that these past weeks - my life being an ongoing creation. I was born to this planet, into a spiritual tohu va vohu - formlessness, chaos - and soon enough, I became a part of it.
But God is making something out of all this mess. He is creating something. I know, because I can sometimes see glimpses of it.
I want my life to become something...to m e a n something.
And I am desperately making efforts for it to be so.
In my search to figure out what direction my life will take next, I have had absolutely ABSURD ideas. For a few days I thought about studying medicine and becoming a doctor in Africa. Then I had ideas about becoming a writer.
Pretty random, I know.
A tohu va vohu, I might even say..
One day I had a crazy idea. I am pretty sure it wasn´t mine. I felt I was looking at the wrong end of things - I was trying to get an image of my future.. but instead I needed to look through my past.
WHAT??
That was my first reaction. But i decided to follow that random thought, because quite honestly.. I felt like I was wasting my time with all of this figuring-things-out thing.
I was flicking through pages in my old diaries, reading about what I used to dream about. What I loved doing, what I was looking for.
There was no big revelation... rather a sense of peace. A chance to really see how the last few years have completely changed who I am. A chance to thank God, to praise Him for bringing me where I am.
I felt His presence with me, like a shade under trees, like a cool summer breeze from the heat of my life.
And then some time later.. I had a very interesting conversation with my sister´s boyfriend, which prompted me to start looking at different Uni courses.
I did. And guess what. I found what I had been looking for.
Yesterday, I took my applications in. The lady who was interviewing me hinted that I can consider myself enrolled.
Where, you ask? :)
Starting in September, I will be studying Internatinal Relations at the university of Audentes (if I really do get in that is).
It is a massive challenge. Work. University. Youth group.
The first year, I will study
This however also means that I cant get a loan to pay for my studies, which is 38 000 kroons a year.
No, i don't know, where I will get the money. But i do know that money is should never be the reason why Im not going to college.
And I do have faith in this God, who takes a massive bunch of tohu va vohu and creates something amazing out of it.
6/20/2008
6/13/2008
And hello again :)
Wow, I logged in yesterday and suddenly noticed that I have two comments on my last post. I was shocked! I REALLY did not expect anyone to read what I am writing, but I am pleasantly surprised! And... (just in case).. have to ask - did anyone pay you to read and comment? No?
:)
I will now allow you into my head again - here are a few of the millions of thoughts cramped into my way-too-small head:
Most of my time right now goes to figuring out what I will do with my life. And for you to truly understand why I am so obsessed with the topic, I will fill you in on the recent head spinning moments in that area.
I am nearly finished with my gap year - I graduated from high school last spring and took a year off to seek Gods will for my life. Or at least some direction He wants me to take as i was completely clueless.
It took me a few months of blankly staring at the ceiling and straight-forward asking to get an answer.
I love God for knowing me better than I know myself. I am SO grateful (and sometimes SO angry!) to Him for not telling me everything I want to know. The truth is that if I had any clearer idea of His plans - I would mess things up, because I am often convinced that I can make better ones. I am the biggest idiot!
I have always been a fan of universities. I honestly like the studying, the reading, the essays, reports and so on! But my trouble was that I could not find anything here that would interest me. And in Estonia, to survive at a UNI - you have to want to be there.
Anyway, God gave me an answer in the most random of ways. I was at doc inc (young adults group at the pentecostal church) and Ago Lilleorg was speaking. I can hardly remember anything he was speaking about. I just sat there the whole time asking God for some direction in my life. When Ago finished one of my friends asked to be prayed for. He was going to the Philippines as a missionary. When Joel (the friend) got up and stood in front of the room... it was like something slapped me in the face - I realized what i was interested in!
Want to know what it is?
...
....
..... THE WORLD!
What??
Yes, i know, it is indeed very specific. But this is the revelation I had - I am fascinated by global issues - AIDS, world poverty, world politics etc.
So what exactly was I supposed to do with this new found knowledge?
I am not sure. But I´ll tell you what I did - I started searching for Uni courses that would get me closer to the issues. And after a long search - I found Anthropology.
Not exactly what I imagined, i admit, but it sounded SO interesting and I figured that if I get my bachelor´s degree in this field I could continue in international relations or sth.
And for the rest of the year i was sure this was it. This was Gods plan. The only problem - well... I never really asked Him.
I told my parents, they loved the idea. Everything seemed great - but from the beginning I had a sense that maybe it´s not the direction I should be taking.. but hey, if I couldn't point out the source of the problem - i must have imagined it!
I should have my entrance tests in 13 days. And until 2 weeks ago, I was 100% going to be there.
Until God intervened. He blew up my plans. All of them.
Completely out of the blue (in the middle of the night) when I was at a birthday in Rakvere, I knew it was all wrong. My life was going somewhere i didn't want to go. It felt like marrying someone you don't love. I thought I was losing my mind, but I cannot follow something if I don't have Gods peace in my heart. I felt like the biggest idiot - and i got a valid explanation to why i had been going through certain issues throughout the year - i was trying to escape my solid plan! I was looking for windows and doors and rooftops in relationships, wanting other people to give me things I was supposed to get from God.
And the truth is (however scary it sounds!)- He would´ve allowed me to go through with my ideas, because it is my choice to make. But before I plunged off a cliff, He made sure I understand that if I take this road, I will never be fulfilled. I will spend the years looking back wondering what my life would be like if i would´ve had the courage to really go after His plans. Even if it means taking absurd risks.
I cried half of the night as my house of cards burned in front of my eyes.
I left my plans.. leaving the door open for God to move in. I am still waiting for Him, but I haven't felt such a peace and joy for the longest of time. On the outside - i look like an idiot, but I it doesn´t matter to me, because I know that I am where He wants me to be.
I told my parents, expecting a world war III at home, but they smiled and told me to go after my heart.
It sounds mad.. i know it does more than anyone. It sounds like I am emotionally losing it and scared to follow a rational plan. But the truth is - following a sense, or a feeling is WAY scarier, because you get no guarantees. You just have your word to tell other people - no explanations, no alternative plans... nothing.
I have no idea what I will do - my ideas vary from being a doctor in Africa to studying literature to be a teacher here. But I am seeking and waiting, if indeed the massive stop sign was from God... He will have a way for me.
TO finish off this absurdity, I´ll share with you a thought that a dear friend of mine told me when I was battling with the question "WHAT IS THE NEXT RIGHT CHOICE?".
He told me:"Hanna, do not view your life as the sum of "right" and "wrong" choices you have to make..instead look at it as a journey to explore what God has already set in place for you."
Have a great weekend :), I hope I gave you something to think about.
Wow, I logged in yesterday and suddenly noticed that I have two comments on my last post. I was shocked! I REALLY did not expect anyone to read what I am writing, but I am pleasantly surprised! And... (just in case).. have to ask - did anyone pay you to read and comment? No?
:)
I will now allow you into my head again - here are a few of the millions of thoughts cramped into my way-too-small head:
Most of my time right now goes to figuring out what I will do with my life. And for you to truly understand why I am so obsessed with the topic, I will fill you in on the recent head spinning moments in that area.
I am nearly finished with my gap year - I graduated from high school last spring and took a year off to seek Gods will for my life. Or at least some direction He wants me to take as i was completely clueless.
It took me a few months of blankly staring at the ceiling and straight-forward asking to get an answer.
I love God for knowing me better than I know myself. I am SO grateful (and sometimes SO angry!) to Him for not telling me everything I want to know. The truth is that if I had any clearer idea of His plans - I would mess things up, because I am often convinced that I can make better ones. I am the biggest idiot!
I have always been a fan of universities. I honestly like the studying, the reading, the essays, reports and so on! But my trouble was that I could not find anything here that would interest me. And in Estonia, to survive at a UNI - you have to want to be there.
Anyway, God gave me an answer in the most random of ways. I was at doc inc (young adults group at the pentecostal church) and Ago Lilleorg was speaking. I can hardly remember anything he was speaking about. I just sat there the whole time asking God for some direction in my life. When Ago finished one of my friends asked to be prayed for. He was going to the Philippines as a missionary. When Joel (the friend) got up and stood in front of the room... it was like something slapped me in the face - I realized what i was interested in!
Want to know what it is?
...
....
..... THE WORLD!
What??
Yes, i know, it is indeed very specific. But this is the revelation I had - I am fascinated by global issues - AIDS, world poverty, world politics etc.
So what exactly was I supposed to do with this new found knowledge?
I am not sure. But I´ll tell you what I did - I started searching for Uni courses that would get me closer to the issues. And after a long search - I found Anthropology.
Not exactly what I imagined, i admit, but it sounded SO interesting and I figured that if I get my bachelor´s degree in this field I could continue in international relations or sth.
And for the rest of the year i was sure this was it. This was Gods plan. The only problem - well... I never really asked Him.
I told my parents, they loved the idea. Everything seemed great - but from the beginning I had a sense that maybe it´s not the direction I should be taking.. but hey, if I couldn't point out the source of the problem - i must have imagined it!
I should have my entrance tests in 13 days. And until 2 weeks ago, I was 100% going to be there.
Until God intervened. He blew up my plans. All of them.
Completely out of the blue (in the middle of the night) when I was at a birthday in Rakvere, I knew it was all wrong. My life was going somewhere i didn't want to go. It felt like marrying someone you don't love. I thought I was losing my mind, but I cannot follow something if I don't have Gods peace in my heart. I felt like the biggest idiot - and i got a valid explanation to why i had been going through certain issues throughout the year - i was trying to escape my solid plan! I was looking for windows and doors and rooftops in relationships, wanting other people to give me things I was supposed to get from God.
And the truth is (however scary it sounds!)- He would´ve allowed me to go through with my ideas, because it is my choice to make. But before I plunged off a cliff, He made sure I understand that if I take this road, I will never be fulfilled. I will spend the years looking back wondering what my life would be like if i would´ve had the courage to really go after His plans. Even if it means taking absurd risks.
I cried half of the night as my house of cards burned in front of my eyes.
I left my plans.. leaving the door open for God to move in. I am still waiting for Him, but I haven't felt such a peace and joy for the longest of time. On the outside - i look like an idiot, but I it doesn´t matter to me, because I know that I am where He wants me to be.
I told my parents, expecting a world war III at home, but they smiled and told me to go after my heart.
It sounds mad.. i know it does more than anyone. It sounds like I am emotionally losing it and scared to follow a rational plan. But the truth is - following a sense, or a feeling is WAY scarier, because you get no guarantees. You just have your word to tell other people - no explanations, no alternative plans... nothing.
I have no idea what I will do - my ideas vary from being a doctor in Africa to studying literature to be a teacher here. But I am seeking and waiting, if indeed the massive stop sign was from God... He will have a way for me.
TO finish off this absurdity, I´ll share with you a thought that a dear friend of mine told me when I was battling with the question "WHAT IS THE NEXT RIGHT CHOICE?".
He told me:"Hanna, do not view your life as the sum of "right" and "wrong" choices you have to make..instead look at it as a journey to explore what God has already set in place for you."
Have a great weekend :), I hope I gave you something to think about.
6/10/2008
I must be mad...
I have decided to start writing again. Just for the fun of having an opportunity to share my thoughts on life, God and my unexpectedly absurd journey towards Him. I dont know how all this will turn out, but I promise if you read this, you will get a good laugh.
For those of you who dont know me - I am so glad you´re reading this! My name is Hanna, I am a 20-year old Estonian, who likes to talk. I also like to listen, but tend to blurt out whatever comes to my head. I think having a blog will help me think things through before I let them out and I might make more sense writing than speaking.
Wow, what a random thing to write, hey!
What else should you know about me... well, i guess its no surprise by now that I am not entirely normal. I havent yet found out why God made me the way I am, but I reckon He had something good in mind. I sometimes doubt it though, because I bring trouble with me whereever i go.
I currently work at an HIV/AIDS prevention project for schoolkids. We train young volunteers and then send them to speak on different issues - sex, relationships, self-esteem, love, addiction, STD`s - including HIV/AIDS, and etc.
I love young people, I love my job. It is SO much fun, yet such a challenge. I started about a year ago, having just graduated from high school - I had no clue why someone would hire me, but God for some-odd-reason thought I was up for the challenge. Working at this job has completely changed my life and I am so thankful for being able to do something i love for a living.
I am also a youth leader at my church. I dont know how that happened, but this January we (me + 8 other amazing young people) started a new youth group for early teens. I have never been so scared in my life - i have never been responsible for anything this big. I have always been a volunteer here and there, but now being someone others look to - i didnt think i was ready for this. To my surprise,the first year was amazing - we now have a team of commited leaders, and around 15 young people who show up every Sunday.
This thing will grow big, i just know it. Not because of me or the team, but because God has such an amazing future for these kids. He will use all of us, just wait and see :). I just have the privilege of being a part of it all!
Hmm...what else... I am a complete bookworm - I love reading and prefer a good book to TV any time. (hah, i think I just lost all my readers with that sentence! nooo... dont go!)
My goals in life - well... I want to travel the world. I honestly want to go everywhere! Just now, I am chatting with a friend who invited me to go to Hawaii for 5 months... dang, were it up to me - I would be on the next plane !!
One day, I will pack my backpack and just start a journey to wherever the road takes me to.
I think enough has been said and if anyone at all bothered to read this - you know a little more about me :).
A fairly good and honest intro, dont you think?
Well, Have a blessed day, I will write again soon!
For those of you who dont know me - I am so glad you´re reading this! My name is Hanna, I am a 20-year old Estonian, who likes to talk. I also like to listen, but tend to blurt out whatever comes to my head. I think having a blog will help me think things through before I let them out and I might make more sense writing than speaking.
Wow, what a random thing to write, hey!
What else should you know about me... well, i guess its no surprise by now that I am not entirely normal. I havent yet found out why God made me the way I am, but I reckon He had something good in mind. I sometimes doubt it though, because I bring trouble with me whereever i go.
I currently work at an HIV/AIDS prevention project for schoolkids. We train young volunteers and then send them to speak on different issues - sex, relationships, self-esteem, love, addiction, STD`s - including HIV/AIDS, and etc.
I love young people, I love my job. It is SO much fun, yet such a challenge. I started about a year ago, having just graduated from high school - I had no clue why someone would hire me, but God for some-odd-reason thought I was up for the challenge. Working at this job has completely changed my life and I am so thankful for being able to do something i love for a living.
I am also a youth leader at my church. I dont know how that happened, but this January we (me + 8 other amazing young people) started a new youth group for early teens. I have never been so scared in my life - i have never been responsible for anything this big. I have always been a volunteer here and there, but now being someone others look to - i didnt think i was ready for this. To my surprise,the first year was amazing - we now have a team of commited leaders, and around 15 young people who show up every Sunday.
This thing will grow big, i just know it. Not because of me or the team, but because God has such an amazing future for these kids. He will use all of us, just wait and see :). I just have the privilege of being a part of it all!
Hmm...what else... I am a complete bookworm - I love reading and prefer a good book to TV any time. (hah, i think I just lost all my readers with that sentence! nooo... dont go!)
My goals in life - well... I want to travel the world. I honestly want to go everywhere! Just now, I am chatting with a friend who invited me to go to Hawaii for 5 months... dang, were it up to me - I would be on the next plane !!
One day, I will pack my backpack and just start a journey to wherever the road takes me to.
I think enough has been said and if anyone at all bothered to read this - you know a little more about me :).
A fairly good and honest intro, dont you think?
Well, Have a blessed day, I will write again soon!
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