And hello again :)

Wow, I logged in yesterday and suddenly noticed that I have two comments on my last post. I was shocked! I REALLY did not expect anyone to read what I am writing, but I am pleasantly surprised! And... (just in case).. have to ask - did anyone pay you to read and comment? No?

:)

I will now allow you into my head again - here are a few of the millions of thoughts cramped into my way-too-small head:

Most of my time right now goes to figuring out what I will do with my life. And for you to truly understand why I am so obsessed with the topic, I will fill you in on the recent head spinning moments in that area.

I am nearly finished with my gap year - I graduated from high school last spring and took a year off to seek Gods will for my life. Or at least some direction He wants me to take as i was completely clueless.
It took me a few months of blankly staring at the ceiling and straight-forward asking to get an answer.
I love God for knowing me better than I know myself. I am SO grateful (and sometimes SO angry!) to Him for not telling me everything I want to know. The truth is that if I had any clearer idea of His plans - I would mess things up, because I am often convinced that I can make better ones. I am the biggest idiot!

I have always been a fan of universities. I honestly like the studying, the reading, the essays, reports and so on! But my trouble was that I could not find anything here that would interest me. And in Estonia, to survive at a UNI - you have to want to be there.
Anyway, God gave me an answer in the most random of ways. I was at doc inc (young adults group at the pentecostal church) and Ago Lilleorg was speaking. I can hardly remember anything he was speaking about. I just sat there the whole time asking God for some direction in my life. When Ago finished one of my friends asked to be prayed for. He was going to the Philippines as a missionary. When Joel (the friend) got up and stood in front of the room... it was like something slapped me in the face - I realized what i was interested in!
Want to know what it is?
...
....
..... THE WORLD!

What??

Yes, i know, it is indeed very specific. But this is the revelation I had - I am fascinated by global issues - AIDS, world poverty, world politics etc.

So what exactly was I supposed to do with this new found knowledge?

I am not sure. But I´ll tell you what I did - I started searching for Uni courses that would get me closer to the issues. And after a long search - I found Anthropology.
Not exactly what I imagined, i admit, but it sounded SO interesting and I figured that if I get my bachelor´s degree in this field I could continue in international relations or sth.
And for the rest of the year i was sure this was it. This was Gods plan. The only problem - well... I never really asked Him.
I told my parents, they loved the idea. Everything seemed great - but from the beginning I had a sense that maybe it´s not the direction I should be taking.. but hey, if I couldn't point out the source of the problem - i must have imagined it!

I should have my entrance tests in 13 days. And until 2 weeks ago, I was 100% going to be there.
Until God intervened. He blew up my plans. All of them.

Completely out of the blue (in the middle of the night) when I was at a birthday in Rakvere, I knew it was all wrong. My life was going somewhere i didn't want to go. It felt like marrying someone you don't love. I thought I was losing my mind, but I cannot follow something if I don't have Gods peace in my heart. I felt like the biggest idiot - and i got a valid explanation to why i had been going through certain issues throughout the year - i was trying to escape my solid plan! I was looking for windows and doors and rooftops in relationships, wanting other people to give me things I was supposed to get from God.
And the truth is (however scary it sounds!)- He would´ve allowed me to go through with my ideas, because it is my choice to make. But before I plunged off a cliff, He made sure I understand that if I take this road, I will never be fulfilled. I will spend the years looking back wondering what my life would be like if i would´ve had the courage to really go after His plans. Even if it means taking absurd risks.
I cried half of the night as my house of cards burned in front of my eyes.
I left my plans.. leaving the door open for God to move in. I am still waiting for Him, but I haven't felt such a peace and joy for the longest of time. On the outside - i look like an idiot, but I it doesn´t matter to me, because I know that I am where He wants me to be.

I told my parents, expecting a world war III at home, but they smiled and told me to go after my heart.

It sounds mad.. i know it does more than anyone. It sounds like I am emotionally losing it and scared to follow a rational plan. But the truth is - following a sense, or a feeling is WAY scarier, because you get no guarantees. You just have your word to tell other people - no explanations, no alternative plans... nothing.

I have no idea what I will do - my ideas vary from being a doctor in Africa to studying literature to be a teacher here. But I am seeking and waiting, if indeed the massive stop sign was from God... He will have a way for me.


TO finish off this absurdity, I´ll share with you a thought that a dear friend of mine told me when I was battling with the question "WHAT IS THE NEXT RIGHT CHOICE?".
He told me:"Hanna, do not view your life as the sum of "right" and "wrong" choices you have to make..instead look at it as a journey to explore what God has already set in place for you."

Have a great weekend :), I hope I gave you something to think about.