Hanna, you are such an idiot!

I can be the biggest moron on the planet.
I don't always know why it happens - i don´t even realize when I lose control over what i think, say, do, feel.
But in those moments its as if everything i have ever learned (or thought I have learned) just evaporates and I am left standing there with a blank stare.
I guess it goes without saying that i absolutely despise such occasions. And I wish I could just prevent them from occurring.
Some people call it human nature, others call it bad character or just "being tired". There are plenty of excuses. But the idiotic moments still keep on happening.
"Hanna, you are indeed the biggest idiot" was the last thought on my mind when I fell asleep last night.
I am sorry I cant really fill you in on the situation, but its kinda like this:
have you ever been so stuck on your (ohsoidealistic) view on life that you are completely unable to see the other´s side? Yeah, I bet you have. Or if this doesn´t sound familiar, it might be because you´re in one of "those days" at this very moment.
Anyway, when time finally passes and God is working like a madman trying to get the massive log from your eye, it hits you like nothing else in life can - you realize that you are the most self-centered, brick-headed being who ever walked on the face of the earth.
Even the so called goodness in our lives is often more about us feeling better than anyone else. Because, well it is all about me - I am the main character of the story of my life (side note - read Donald Miller´s books!!). Other people are just co-actors, second best players. Because really, in the long run I matter the most.

It makes me sick to think that this is the way I live my life - through me - my feelings, my wants, needs, dreams, ideas.
And it makes me even more sick to know that so often I do this, because I feel like I have the right to.

For most of my life, I have figured that most of the time I am doing "alright" and then there are the bad days - and thats the time i get to be a jerk.
I have been so flippin naive.
I am who I am no matter what day it is. When I am doing well I am the same person as when I am not.

Or what does it mean to "have a good day"? when everything goes the way I planned it? when nobody interrupts my schedules?

Maybe we need to be idiots to be reminded that we are dust, really. How ever did we end up thinking of ourselves as big and influential?

I guess it is a matter of how you judge yourself.

I don't mean all of this to sound like I am going through some self-pity faze.
Because it´s not about that at all.
It´s more like having GIANT changes on fundamental beliefs I have had about well... everything.
Something in me is changing hardcore - i dont know what it is, but it is messing up my life as I have known it.
It is like I am not who I thought I was, and I don´t quite know yet what do with what Im finding
Or... like having a massive scenery change - you´re used to seeing fields and plains... and suddenly there are mountains. MASSIVE MOUNTAINS!

God is really taking me somewhere i have never been before.

Guys im so sorry if this makes no sense at all :D... I will try to make the next post a better one.

I have to go right now... but i will continue this later on ;).