its just one week...

.. and i will start school. SCHOOL.. wow that word has so much power in it.
everyone, all together now - schoooooool. did you feel it?
hah, naah.. to be rather honest, im not getting it at all. i have no idea whats really going on or that i should start shopping for supplies - notebooks, pens, a laptop (if you have a spare one- i want it!!). I mean, yes i am excited about it - im anxious to write essays and discuss politics, can you believe it? but at the same time, in one year, it is totally possible to lose your connection to any kind of academical environment. That is kinda what i feel like - i have been doing youth work full on for a year, i dont remember anything about textbooks or eloquent speech, and in a crowd of students who just graduated from high school.. i can imagine numerous situations of just saying things out loud too soon or not getting what everyone else thinks of as elementary. Ah, it will be a challenge and I pray to God that He will remind me to have a sense of humor when it comes to awkward situations. Not that I am a stranger to those..:)
So what have i found out about my classes?
the first shock was when i looked at my timetables and saw that i actually have classes only 4 days a month, because im not attending daily classes so i can work. Yet this doesn´t mean any less studying, because i have to get the same amount of points by the end of the year - it just means i have more independent study and more freedom to arrange my time.
I have to admit, at first i was kinda disappointed, because i was ready for a full on weekly study, but the more i think about it - i just see Gods hand in it.
My life is absolutely crazy and where God is leading me is even more beyond me - whether in youth ministry or the FWR project - i need to be more commited and available to both of these things than I have before.
It doesnt make any sense - last year i didnt have college, but as Im starting university, I am expected to commit more to other things in my life? what??
God works in weird ways.. and i guess the more you grow, the more He can trust you with.
I just hope I am able to develop what He gives me to the fullest.

Guys, i am blown away by everything that is happening in my life. It is just..so... BIG. Yeah, sure i am in real life going through a bunch of massive readjustments, but what is going on in my Spirit is just so much more.
I cant really explain it, because i have no control or record over how or when it happened, but i think i have taken leaps in my relationship with God. Or actually, its not so much that i took the jumps - because i doubt i had too much to do with any of it, but God is speaking to me in ways that He hasn´t before. And im experiencing Him in the depths of who i am in new ways.. and as odd as this may seem - for the first time in my life.. i think im having a relationship with God.
Not that He wasn´t active in my life before, or that i didnt hear his voice or talk to him before.. but its like this whole new meaning has entered that relationship and i have come to see that he actually wants to partner with me, not just be Lord, or King.. but (this is going to sound shocking) more like a Lover, a soul mate.
i have always thought of the whole having-a-relationship-with-God thing as well... just being about gods work in my life. His plan.. me as a servant of the Lord. And it has been good and these things still are developing, and i am still in process, but I have never before thought that I, Hanna, am the other part of a relationship and I have to respond to what He is doing as a person in a real relationship. That maybe God wants me to love Him back.. yes, with all I do, but also with all I am. Yeah, i know it sounds like basic stuff.. but if you look at it on a deeper level - the God of the whole Universe wants and maybe even needs, as a person in a relationship, to see and know that you care about who He is.
Wow.. a God who needs.. it sounds so different.. almost revolutionary. "Needing" is probably not a good word to describe what i want to say - because i dont think God lacks anything. Rather, He yearns. He longs for.
Its crazy when you think about it.. He goes through hell, literally, just to get some response from us.
If any of you have been in a relationship where you have to wait for someone to make a step, when you have made yours and you just have no other option but to sit there - it can be absolute agony. You make yourself vulnerable, put your cards on the table and you just watch as the other person either responds or rejects or..delays even more! You cant manipulate - the response has to be real, authentic and meaningful... either in a good way or a painful way.
And just think how God waits for us to go through our motions, He doesn´t push or make us do anything - the response He is after has to come from our heart.
He passionately loves and is willing to do anything to win us to Himself.
It is the most romantic thing i have ever heard of...
and it truly makes me think of how little i know about love. Or, how little i´ve thought of it.

I would like to discuss this topic for forever, but it is getting rather late and i have work tomorrow.. so i´ll leave you with
TO BE CONTINUED